The best part of me

Dear Blog Diary,

“I love that you don't care how much money a person makes; you care what they make. But what you make isn't supposed to be the best part of you.” - Kate Winslet as Joanna Hoffman in Steve Jobs.

Such an underrated movie. Aaron Sorkin banger. I rewatched it the other day and thought of that line. I looked at the relationships in my life, the money they make, the people they are. I wonder what’s the best part of me.

Ain't my salary! If you know me, you know how much I value satiating my curiosity/passions.

Climbing has been my main lately. I find such a joy going to the Red with my brother and my future sister-in-law. Making new friends, developing existing friendships. His gear, his coaching, I get to tag along with the gang. I’m spoiled, extremely fortunate, and deeply grateful.

The tough part is being so much weaker than everyone, such a huge gap in knowledge/experience. My brother warms up on routes several grades higher than my highest. You feel like a tourist, dissociated, and at times, not enough. All ego.

Yesterday my ego got me. “If you were good enough, you would’ve done it already.” Climbing will remind you of that one. At least triathlon has a finish line you can cross if you keep walking. This is not that.

Sun set and I was climbing with a headlamp. First time. It's basically pitch black. If you fall, it's into a black abyss. You stick out your legs and hope to not break your ankles on the wall, or hit the ground, or die. Fucking scary. And oh I fell, got close to the ground, feeling defeated, not enough.

Important to remember: My brother was there to catch me.

I like to think the best part of me is that I deeply care, to be kind, to be a good person. At times even when you’re trying your best in that pursuit, you fall...feeling dissociated, weak, not enough, right into a black abyss hoping not to break your metaphorical ankles or hurt others more.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs

Steve, you forgot "and be kind" at the end there.

E

#ARTiculate