Which do you save?

Dear Blog Diary,

A philosophical dog question:

Burning building and I can only save one, do I save Kuma? Or every single thing I own including my bank account and every form of wealth?

First of all...unfair question. Kuma has legs.

My answer is, I would rather run into the burning building even if it was likely that I won't come out. The nihilist in me says fuck it. I would feel bad leaving behind my mom especially but anyone who might miss me. I don't know about the afterlife but in the moment before I go, I'd be bummed I never saw Japan or accomplished these dreams that I hold now.

Not because I love Kuma more than life itself. Way more selfish than that.

I'd run into the building because I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing that this 32 pound fluffy dog that has my heart, burned to death and the last moments in her life were being terrified, panicking, wondering why I'm not there to save her. (Who knows what dogs really think but just go with it.)

I don't know what that says about me, but I'm like that. Do not resuscitate. Horrible accident and Eric is now paralyzed, do not save Eric. I suppose I just don't want to live a life with such profound loss. Tricky part is, on a long enough timeline we lose everything.

My sad song is "Days like this" by Van Morrison.

I first heard it in my 2nd favorite movie, As Good As It Gets. Greg Kinnear's character has hit rock bottom. He's lost everything, including his passion to paint. The song comes on and his face is so incredibly expressive. It's not depression, or even hopelessness. Granted it can always get worse but at this juncture you've passed any form of hope and what sinks in is fear. It's a scary feeling! When you are so broken that you care not for a future. What do you do then?

Ups and downs, but I admit things are going fairly well for me. I'm listening to the song as I write this. Spent some dark days with this song, and the irony being that Van is telling you, "when all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit, I must remember, there'll be days like this."

Goes to show...good and bad, they'll be days like this.

Best,

E

#ARTiculate