Being a good person is difficult
Dear Instagram diary,
It’s unfair. There are so many ways to be wrong and more often than not, you have no idea what is right.
Gut check. There’s probably some primal instinct that the body intuitively knows when it's in danger, telling you what is right. Evolution. Neanderthal human walks the earth and it’s the several generations that lived because they learned to avoid predators and sickness, eat proper foods, use their instincts.
But how many times have your instincts been wrong?
Often when I walk on the street at night and I see a woman coming, I consciously walk far into the street to avoid her completely. I don’t want her to feel even slightly apprehensive. Is she apprehensive? Can she defend herself? Does it even cross her mind that I could be a threat? Is she offended because the implication is that she can't hold her own?
So many ways to be wrong.
I’m fairly level headed. With hyper introspection on a constant basis, I try to be self aware. I rarely get down and when I do, I know how to cope.
I’ll tell you one thing that is far too vulnerable for the internet. The few times that I have had calm practical suicidal thoughts were when I felt so alienated. Times when people found me absolutely repulsive as I tried my best to be my best. Being so misunderstood. I don’t know where I fit in but I know it’s no place that I’ve ever been. That’s ok.
Coming with the best intentions to do no harm, empathize, help, be a reason for others to be optimistic…people will take you the wrong way. Their instincts will paint you as an asshole. You never know why.
I just know it cuts deep.
Reflecting, I notice how many aspects of my life I walk far into the street just to avoid the possibility. I isolate from people a lot nowadays, for that reason. Is that bad? Part of life is being vulnerable enough to being misunderstood and hated for something you didn’t intend. And I do mean hate.
The moral of the story is that it takes a lot of strength and courage just to try and be good. State that in another way: It’s difficult trying to be a good person because of the way the world will receive you.
How fucked is that?
As a Nihilist I say: Do it anyway.
E
#ARTiculate