Most wonderful time of the year
Dear Blog Diary,
It's kind of like when Vegeta went into the hyperbolic time chamber so he could become a super saiyen and be better than Goku.
Of course there’s a lot to it, but in a nutshell, I’ve tried to believe in God, the Christ version especially, and I’m just an atheist. Can’t do it.
I started labeling myself as one in my 20s or so? It was very uncomfortable at first. Feels good having an all-powerful entity across time and space that loves YOU, has a plan for YOU, the whole shebang.
Thing is, after you come out the other side of that nothingness, it’s very liberating. The universe is vast, you’re an insignificant spec of atoms in it, we’re all alone in it. Ok, so be it. You become an army of one and that’s all you need.
In case you were unaware, I literally watch about 80-100 Christmas movies from Black Friday to Christmas, that window. Ends up being like four a day. I only realized this year how therapeutic it is for me for me. Seriously.
I still do things with people but I spend the vast majority of December alone. I go into my cave, I overload my brain with Christmas cheer, and the irony is that I feel so alone. And it doesn't always feel good! Christmas is all about togetherness and giving and joy.
Funny thing is, it’s the exact same feeling as accepting that there’s no god. Sounds fucked but it’s true for me.
I get mega stoned, I throw on movie after movie, and I really get to spend time with myself. I reflect on the year, where I failed, where I excelled, the why for both of those things. I plan what I want to accomplish for the next year. It’s soothing while being very real and very critical. Fight my demons. Love myself. It brings such an intense joy and a calm confidence. I am reminded that anything is possible and everything has more purpose and is in service to achieving the things I choose.
I recently got a review of Eric. What this third person said of me: “He’s just happy all the time.” Another review from a friend of my brother, however he worded it but basically I ask good questions, I don’t have plain conversation.
The first just isn’t true, and the second, believe me when I say I wish that wasn’t the case.
Always just trying to be a little better. Not better than Goku, just better. Just (super) sayin.
E
#ARTiculate